Insults Galore!

Sometimes you have to write characters that aren't so nice. It simply part of the job as a writer. A good way to get back at those characters once you finally get the chance (the bad guy usually get it in the end, after all) is to insult them. Insult them bad. Unfortunately, if you're like me, it can be quite hard to come up with the perfect comeback. Luckily, with writing, you can take your time and prepare the perfect one. Here I have collected a few insults, and some other resources where you can find more detailed ones if needed. Enjoy!

One way to insult someone is to call them names. Now, there are some classics like "idiot" and "moron", but they tend to become tired after a while. These next ones are slightly more fun, at least I think so. The first is taken from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. It's not used as an insult, however, but works very well as one.

Nitwit

"a slow-witted, stupid, or foolish person" - Dictionary.com

The second one is one commonly used by Hercule Poirot in Agatha Christie's novels. Imagine it spoken sharply with a French accent.


Imbecile

"a stupid person" - Oxford Dictionaries

This next one I've stolen from Gordon Ramsay who called one of the chefs this more than once during a season of Hell's Kitchen. I haven't heard him say it much, but it kind of stuck with me.

Doughnut

"a small fried cake of sweetened dough, typically in the shape of a ball or ring" - Oxford Dictionaries

The next one comes from America's Funniest Home Videos. Again, it's not used as an insult (at least not directly) but can very well be used as one.

Nincompoop

"a fool or simpleton" - Dictionary.com

This is used once or twice in Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen, and possibly in some other Austen novels as well. It might be slightly out-dated, but if you have a suitable character for it, it will work very well.

Simpleton

"a foolish or gullible person" - Oxford Dictionaries

The following ones I have no direct source for, so I'll let them speak for themselves:

Ignoramus

"an extremely ignorant person" - Dictionary.com

Ninny

"a foolish and weak person" - Oxford Dictionaires

Dingle berry

"a foolish or inept person" and something less pleasant as well... - Oxford Dictionaries

Nevertheless, sometimes a simple name calling isn't enough. In those cases you need longer insults. A good one I stumbled upon is this:

"Unmitigated noodles" - Kaiser Wilhelm II of England (source)

I particularly like that is was said by a royalty. The next one is a little concoction of my own, adapted from Veronica Mars.

 "I've met smarter sandwiches than you."

For more of these I recommend a visit to the Adopt an Insult thread on the NaNoWriMo forums (available until Aug. - Sept. 2011, or something like that).

Now we come to the, in my opinion, by far best insult of all times. It is, not surprisingly, from Monty Python's The Holy Grail. I have embedded the entire scene further down, because this is one that simply must be enjoyed in its entirety. The best part of the insult tirade is this:

"I fart in you general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" - The Holy Grail

 

For more insults, go to:
Insults.net
Insult-o-Matic
Comedy Zone
Random Insults
Humorsphere
Inherently Funny